Random

As of today, it has been four months since meeting and saying good bye to our babies. Some days it feels like it was just yesterday, while other days it seems like it was a looong time ago.

I have been teaching the women's Sunday school class at church for the past few months now. Today a new gal came to class, and I was in awe when I asked her if she had any kids, and she said yes, "Eli, Micah and Isaac." I was like "those are the same names of my three!" Then I had to explain everything to her, but I still can't believe it! Her Micah was even a little girl too! Although her Eli was an Elijah, not Elisha. Wierd.

One of the first ladies I met at church lost a granddaughter around 5 months as well. Her daughter was later able to have two healthy boys and last week her two grandsons were at church with Grandma. She introduced me..."This is Stephanie, she has three babies in heaven with our precious girl too." The youngest boy said ya, our sister would be 13. It touched my heart in so many ways to hear these boys talking about their older sister. Eli, Isaac and Micah will always be a part of our family, they will always be our firstborns, and someday I hope to hear their brothers and sisters talk about them in the same ways.

What's Going On...

Since I am home from work--sick, I thought I'd update while I'm snuggled on the couch, covered in blankets. I think I just have a common cold along with exhaustion from not sleeping at night. So sleeping until 11 today was great, although I feel like I could go right back to bed and sleep all day!

I have really been enjoying the cooler weather while Matt has not. Saturday on the way to a family get-together we drove through all kinds of sleet and snow! I love it!

We are doing well, still gradually unpacking things and buying things that we need. A lot of things are needed in order to set up house! We're fighting time now to get it all done as Matt's family is coming for Thanksgiving. We were really hoping to have our basement finished, but thats far from happening. So we've been trying to creatively make room for 5 extra people! Yesterday we tackled the living room, rearranging it to add more seating. I don't love the end result, but its practical. Now we're trying to figure out where to put them all to sleep....lol. Regardless, we are really excited to get to spend time with Matt's family, and we know it will be tons of fun!

Matt is gearing up to make a bunch of changes, really an overhall, in the children's ministry in January. He has been recruiting volunteers through videos and whatnot, and now he needs to train them and get them into place before the new curriculum kicks off in January. So he's been busy and I help where I can. We are still meeting people, trying to get to know people, and make new friends. We have really enjoyed getting to know the people in our church better, they have some amazing stories. We are also throwing around the idea of starting up a young peoples group. There are a ton of young people in our church, so I think it would be a huge ministry. We'll see where God takes it.

Tonight if I am feeling up to it, we are shopping to fill three christmas boxes. Our church is active in Operation Christmas Child, the world's largest Christmas project. As it states on their website, "Operation Christmas Child brings joy and hope to children in desperate situations around the world through gift-filled shoe boxes and the Good News of God’s love. Since 1993, more than 61 million shoe boxes have been packed, shipped, and delivered across the globe. People of all ages can be involved in this simple, hands-on missions project while focusing on the true meaning of Christmas—Jesus Christ." We have decided to do three boxes every year, in honor of our babies. It is a great way for us to remember our babies and to do something for them. It will also be something fun we can do with our future children to help them remember their brothers and sister.

Revelation

You may have heard this song playing while visiting our blog. It has quickly become one of our favorites. As we are transitioning into a new phase of our lives, we are seeking out God's will for us here, and this song, revelation, has become a prayer for our hearts. Anyways, I wanted to share the lyrics with you because they are so powerful.

Revelation----by-Third Day

My life has led me down the road that’s so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Tryin’ to find my way, tryin’ to find the faith that’s gone

This time, I know that you are holding all the answers
I’m tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem,To be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation, Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way, I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here, Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You, I’ve got nothing without You

My life has led me down this path that’s ever winding
Through every twist and turn I’m always finding,
That I am lost again (I am lost again)
Tell me when this road will ever end

Give me a revelation, Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way, I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here, Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You, I’ve got nothing without You

I don’t know where I can turn
Tell me when will I learn
Won’t You show me where I need to go
Let me follow Your lead, I know that it’s the only way that I can get back home

Give me a revelation, Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way, I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here, Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You, I’ve got nothing without You
Oh, give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You, I’ve got nothing without You

When

We had no idea how hard the past few weeks ended up being for us. This morning when I got up and looked in the mirror, it was the first time my eyes weren't encircled with bruises and swollen from tears.

You see, last week would have been 35 weeks for us, the week we had prayed for, hoped for, and dreamed of meeting our babies within.

Thorughout the past few weeks I have once again fought the battle of "what ifs." Not just the what ifs of the pregnancy, but the what ifs of now and then. I do not fight it because I feel at fault, I fight it because I cannot comprehend why, I am not capable of understanding God's hand in this.

Life is full of reminders. I hate it--and I hate that I hate it. It hurts to see pregnant women. It hurts to see babies. It hurts to see baby things. It hurts to hear proud mothers talk about their babies. I love, have always loved, the beauty of pregnancy, the gift of life, and the precious gift of loving a baby. But now, I cannot look, I cannot hold, I cannot hear. The pain is too much.

A previous Sunday in church, a friend who has also lost, gently told me she was now expecting.

Sunday in church, a proud daddy showed a video clip of their newborn boy, Trey. As most of the crowd cooed and gently laughed at his antics, tears rolled down my face and I fought for control.

One day a young lady named Micah came into work.

One day a proud mom told me how her little boy was beginning to crawl.

The list goes on, as lifes joys are reminders of our pain.

I have no idea how we'll make it through the holiday season, normally my favorite time of the year. We should be brainstorming creative gifts to get our precious babies. But instead, we are brainstorming something we can do in honor of Eli, Isaac and Micah. Something to remember them and keep them close to our hearts, not just now, but always.

We are trying to keep our heads above the waters of grief, we are trying to survive. Were it not for God's mighty grip, we would be sinking, drowning in our grief. We know we cannot survive this alone, so we continue to cry out daily for God's help. When we ask, He is there, always, surrounding us with his love, filling us with his strength and peace. The key is when we ask, when we cry out for His help.