We had no idea how hard the past few weeks ended up being for us. This morning when I got up and looked in the mirror, it was the first time my eyes weren't encircled with bruises and swollen from tears.
You see, last week would have been 35 weeks for us, the week we had prayed for, hoped for, and dreamed of meeting our babies within.
Thorughout the past few weeks I have once again fought the battle of "what ifs." Not just the what ifs of the pregnancy, but the what ifs of now and then. I do not fight it because I feel at fault, I fight it because I cannot comprehend why, I am not capable of understanding God's hand in this.
Life is full of reminders. I hate it--and I hate that I hate it. It hurts to see pregnant women. It hurts to see babies. It hurts to see baby things. It hurts to hear proud mothers talk about their babies. I love, have always loved, the beauty of pregnancy, the gift of life, and the precious gift of loving a baby. But now, I cannot look, I cannot hold, I cannot hear. The pain is too much.
A previous Sunday in church, a friend who has also lost, gently told me she was now expecting.
Sunday in church, a proud daddy showed a video clip of their newborn boy, Trey. As most of the crowd cooed and gently laughed at his antics, tears rolled down my face and I fought for control.
One day a young lady named Micah came into work.
One day a proud mom told me how her little boy was beginning to crawl.
The list goes on, as lifes joys are reminders of our pain.
I have no idea how we'll make it through the holiday season, normally my favorite time of the year. We should be brainstorming creative gifts to get our precious babies. But instead, we are brainstorming something we can do in honor of Eli, Isaac and Micah. Something to remember them and keep them close to our hearts, not just now, but always.
We are trying to keep our heads above the waters of grief, we are trying to survive. Were it not for God's mighty grip, we would be sinking, drowning in our grief. We know we cannot survive this alone, so we continue to cry out daily for God's help. When we ask, He is there, always, surrounding us with his love, filling us with his strength and peace. The key is when we ask, when we cry out for His help.
We will continue to pray for your grieving hearts. Know that you are not the only ones who wish upon wish that they were here with us. I cannot imagine the pain you must feel. I do not understand why things worked out the way they did either. But I do know that we only get little pieces of the puzzle. Only the maker has the full panoramic view. Do NOT blame yourself. Nothing happens in this life that God has not forseen. Steph you fought until the end for those babies.. the blame is not yours. Be strong. Allow those around you to lift you up. We love you both.
ReplyDeleteCory & Jaime Stevens
You are in our prayers.
ReplyDeleteJust a few weeks ago (Oct. 20) we past our due date for Iain, it was a hard day to say the least. To top things off a girl at church and her husband were due 6 days before I was and they just had a baby boy.
I know how raw your heart can feel--every time someone says they're pregnant, every time a new baby comes to church. I do know, but multiplied it by three, I cannot imagine. God will heal you, though there will always be times that the tears come so very easily.
I know none of this may help much, only reinforce what you're feeling, but know Mark and I will continually lift you up to the One who can comfort you and Matt both.
And know there's another precious little boy in heaven who your three sweet babies joined.
Thank you for being so vulnerable with the rest of us. We all get so wrapped up in our own worlds that we often forget your pain. Somehow we expect your pain to have subsided. We forget that the littlest things cause you to remember. And you should remember. Love you much~Angie and family
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