Still Waiting...

We have been waiting and dreaming of the day we would hold a strong, healthy, breathing baby in our arms, to have a child to love and call our own. Our journey to get to this place has been long and full of heartbreak. Although this entry will be long, we wanted to share our journey with you for two reasons. First, so you can understand why we are so anxious and impatient to meet Baby Red and why he is so special to us. Secondly, so you can see how God has been faithful to us through the hard times and recently, the good. For more of the story you can read old posts through our archives, but briefly, here is our story.

Our plans were to start our family during the 2005-2006 year and after I graduated from college I would just stay at home with the new baby. We even planned this with my brother and sister-in-law! However, we couldn't get pregnant and then in the spring of 2006 we felt God calling us to the mission field, so we had to put our dreams of starting our family on hold. My sister-in-law told us they had found out they were pregnant the morning of the last day we spent with them! But God had told us to wait, and even though it hurt and its not what we wanted...we began to wait.

In December of 2006 after a lot of prayer we felt God saying it was time. So I made my first appointment with a fertility specialist in January of 2007 to see what was going on with me. My doctor couldn't really see a problem with me, but there was definitely a problem. So he began with low grade treatment and every three or four months after no success, he would move to the next treatment.

We never imagined we would be the couple who would have a hard time getting pregnant. Month after month I looked at negative pregnancy tests and my heart broke. Matt would just hold me in his arms while I wept over my still empty womb. The whole process was long and emotional, stressful and depressing. Unless you have been down this road yourself, you will never understand its hurts and the toll it takes on you and your marriage.

Finally in December of 2007 Dr. Husslein started me on the last medication. If it didn't work in four months, then our only option left was in vitro fertilization. Each month I would go to the doctor to see if my body had responded to the meds. March was the last month for me to be on the medication, but since my body had not responded to it the previous three months, Dr. Husslein told me not to worry about coming in, it was obvious it wasn't going to work.

Well, for some mysterious reason (we like to call him God) my body finally responded. By the end of March, I knew I was pregnant, and we were overflowing with joy, and praising God for our miracle! On Saturday, April 5 I took a home pregnancy test (Austria style) to verify my thoughts; and to make sure we weren't getting our hopes up for nothing since the medication I was on had several side affects that are also pregnancy symptoms. Cruelness, I know. Anyways, it instantly showed us two purple lines. Pregnant!!

On April 8, we went to the doctor for confirmation, yet again! He did an ultrasound, and after a brief moment told us "Congratulations--you were right, you are pregnant!" Although we were thrilled at the news, we could both tell there was more. I instantly feared there was something seriously wrong with our baby. After what seemed like forever he said "But, I am seeing multiples." I instantly asked "How many?!?" So the doc checked, double checked, and then triple checked, and finally told us the most shocking news we have ever received "Well, it appears that you are pregnant with triplets."

Realizing we couldn't handle three babies without the help of family we made the heart wrenching decision to leave the mission field and return to the States to raise our babies.

On Sunday July 13, after a relaxing afternoon, I went into preterm labor and my water broke on Baby A, one of our precious baby boys. At this point I was only 19 weeks pregnant. I was rushed to the hospital where they were able to stop labor and we began the hardest waiting during our whole journey. On Tuesday night, July 22 I began having contractions again. Wednesday morning blood was drawn and our worst fears were confirmed, I had an infection in my uterus. We had no choice. I was induced and Baby A was delivered, the doctors were hopeful this would allow them to control the infection.

After Baby A was born they stopped the medicine, and my contractions stopped. The other two babies sacs were still intact and their heartbeats strong. We thought we were in the clear. Then all of a sudden my temperature spiked out of control into very dangerous territory. The doctors tried everything to break the fever, but nothing was breaking it. They told us we would have to deliver the other two babies, or my uterus and life would be on the line. They left us for five minutes to take it all in, and in the process, my contractions started again.

As we watched our babies take their first and last breaths our hearts broke. All of the waiting, the trying, the hoping and dreaming, was gone.

Then in December of 2008 we unexpectedly became pregnant. We weren't even trying! Even though I knew I was pregnant it took a few weeks for me to convince myself and Matt. After a few positive pregnancy tests, we stared at each other in shock. The doctor's were hopeful that I didn't have a problem carrying a baby, but that we'd lost the triplets solely because there were three babies. However, at 21 weeks we discovered that I have an incompetent cervix and am in fact, not capable of carrying a baby to full term without medical intervention.

This pregnancy has been extremely hard on us. It has been hard to be excited about a new life when we are still grieving the loss of our first three babies. I have battled some major fears of losing this baby. We have dealt with a whirlwind of emotions from regret to excitement to overwhelming sadness to doubt to anticipation. I have spent 12 weeks on bedrest. 6 of those weeks I was alone 85% of the time. My body painfully deteriorated as I laid everyday all day in bed. I have never felt so alone, never hurt so much inside and out.

Now we are anxiously awaiting the arrival of our fourth child, a strong and healthy baby boy. As we near our journey's end we are able to look back and see how God worked in our hearts. We have experienced all of God's answers to prayer--yes, no, and wait. We have learned more about who God is as Abba, Father. We have experienced his mercy and compassion on a deeper level. We have learned to trust God with more of our hearts and lives. I have learned how to conquer all fear with His strength. Our faith has grown exponentially. We have watched God use our brokenness to love and reach out to others. We have seen how God has used this pregnancy to heal our broken hearts.

Seeing Baby Red for the first time is so much more to us than finally meeting our son. It marks the end of a long and very painful journey yet at the same time it is a celebration of God's faithfulness and goodness.

What's Happening??!?

Nothing. Nothing but a few irregular contractions. Apparently my body is having some major communication issues as its yet to realize I am dilated to a 4.5 and kick into labor. Come on!!

It could get interesting...

I just got home from my weekly doctor's appointment...and here's the scoop!

We measured Red today and his estimated weight is 6 pounds!! He's still very active and is doing great!

Then we waited what seemed like forever for Dr. Thompson to come..then we talked about some things...what I'd been feeling the past week, which is some irregular contractions and a very sore body from being up and about off of bedrest. I have also experienced swollen feet and kankles (swollen ankles) for the first time and I'm not loving it!

Then...we found out I am dilated to a 4.5 and 80% effaced. Dr. Thompson also decided to take me off of my medication that stops labor. I am pretty excited about this as the side effects were making me miserable with being up and about. So it looks like we could be meeting Red any day now or I could sit here for a few weeks. Who knows...but when it happens, this is where all the news will be posted!

35 Weeks!

We are so pumped to be sitting at 35 weeks--a place we never thought we'd reach several times throughout this pregnancy. Red is now mature and physically ready to come out! From here on out he's just getting all the cute chubbiness of a baby!

All of my immediate family, except my mom, left for Colorado on Thursday. They are at Nationwide Youth Roundup (NYR) for the week. It is very similar to a CIY, great worship and gifted and challenging speakers, except you camp in tents, worship in God's creation and eat way better food! At least at our church's campsite you do! I have went 8 years and it has had a major impact on my life. My dad and sister's will get back Friday afternoon and my brother and his family will get back Saturday late morning. I am praying Red doesn't come before then, but if he does, at least my mom is here!

Anyways, my mom decided she wouldn't be able to forgive herself if she missed her grandson's grand entrance into the world so she stayed behind. Instead of staying home alone all week, she came down Thursday night to spend the week with us!

Friday we began painting on the nursery and got all of the base coat done. This morning we went shopping to get the rest of the things we needed for the "design." So this afternoon we have been working on that.

I am so sore. I feel like I have already given birth I hurt so bad. I knew it would be like this, its just part of being up and about after laying for 12 weeks doing little to nothing at the end. But it has been so good to be up and about, to be able to leave the house and do the little things like go grocery shopping! I am also glad I am able to help out with Red's nursery. Its going to be pretty sweet!

Well, its time for Matt to drag me out of my chair, for me to waddle to bed and hopefully sleep the night away!

July 23, 2009--One Year

It feels like yesterday that the doctor came in my hospital room and I heard the words that would change our lives and our hearts forever...

"I'm sorry, but you have an infection in your uterus, we have to deliver the babies now...or you'll lose your uterus and we'll be fighting for your life..."

We were given 5 minutes to take it in. After almost two years of trying to get pregnant, after returning from the mission field for the babies, we were given five minutes to begin to comprehend the loss of our babies, our hopes and our dreams.

I will never forget a single moment of that day. It is ingrained into my heart, so I can remember every precious second of the short time we were able to spend with our babies.

This past year has been the hardest year of my life. A year I have not truly lived, a year I have merely survived. I have struggled and fought with God, trying to understand His plan. Like Habakkuk I have asked God the hard questions, and even though I still don't understand His plan, but I have come to accept it, to trust it.

We miss Eli, Isaac and Micah. We selfishly wish to have more time to hold them and love on them. Every time my hearts begin aching for them I have to remind myself where they are. They are in the presence of God surrounded by the perfect love of Christ. As much as it hurts to not have them here, there is no place I would rather them be, even my own arms, than in the arms of God. One day, we will have all of eternity to love on their precious souls.

34 Weeks!!

I had went to the doctor on Friday with a few concerns, and found out I was dilated to a 2.5, so a little change, but not much. Needed to check on baby, so I was on a monitor for an hour or so, and he is doing fine.

On Friday Dr. Thompson decided to leave the experimental treatment out since its job was done. Its purpose was to keep my cervix closed, which it did for 6 weeks, but now that I am dilated, its no longer really useful.

So I went back again today and both Matt and I were really curious to see if I had changed any with the pessary out. I was guessing I would be dilated to a 3 and Matt was guessing a 3.5. But we were both wrong. No change at all, still dilated to just a 2.5. Since my cervix seems to be holding up okay, and we're in an okay spot for Red to be born, I have been completely released from bedrest!! It is time for me to start building up my strength so I can actually push Red out and have the stamina to take care of him once he is born.

I am still on my medicine to stop preterm labor, and will be on it until at least next Monday, but depending on how my cervix does, maybe longer.

I was planning on laying on the Barry's couch while Matt tutored their daughter, but since I have freedom now, I went to Wal-Mart for the first time in months. It was weird. I pushed a cart around for about 40 minutes, and when I was done, my body was really hurting, I was dizzy and had a headache. But it was so worth it! I will be taking it easy for the rest of the night!

Our goal is still to make it to 36 weeks. But if we don't get there, at least we know Red will be okay when he's born.

With Thursday being July 23--one year, we have been struggling with all kinds of emotions. The weekend was hard enough, I wasn't looking forward to a week at home by myself, so I am so thankful I am off bedrest and can keep myself busy. Matt is taking Thursday off and we're hoping to just spend the day relaxing, or maybe even painting Red's nursery.

Carpet is coming for the basement and we'll be getting the vinyl laid in the bathroom within the next week as well. We're really excited to get the basement finished. We have been working hard to finish it before Red gets here, so once he is here, we can enjoy him and not have to be worrying about it.

Next Week...

Today we are celebrating a goal we once thought was unattainable, 34 weeks.

There is so much more in my heart I want to share but each paragraph I have typed I have deleted as I cannot put into words all that I am feeling in my heart. So although I cannot begin to write my feelings to make any sense, the following "events" are what Matt and I are dealing with.

A year ago today, I was laying in a hospital bed begging God for my babies to survive, dreaming of making it to 34 weeks.

This year I am celebrating reaching a milestone that has been a dream since then.

Next week, July 23, will be one year from the day we said hello and good bye to our three precious babies. Although we are healing our hearts will always be broken from losing our babies.

Next week, or maybe before then, or possibly after, we will also be celebrating a new life as we meet Baby Red.

Next week...God give us strength.

33 Weeks!

Well, we've made it another week!! Here's the update from the doc's appointment today...

My cervix has become so short it was difficult for the sonographer to measure. Her measurements averaged at about a .8 which is about a centimeter shorter than I have been measuring.

I am also dilated to a 2 and 70% effaced. So I was admitted into the hospital to be monitored to make sure I wasn't having any contractions that I wasn't feeling. No contractions so after a few hours, I was released to come home. Of course I am still on strict bed rest--back to no sitting and allowed up only to potty and for a brief shower.

So we could be meeting Baby Red any day now which is both exciting and a bit nerving as he'd still be premature. We're still hoping for 35 weeks though which is another week and a half!

We'll take it day by day now, and while we wait, we'll be running around trying to get things ready for his arrival! Tonight's agenda is to order his car seat and stroller and the other few things we need before he comes!

Our First Baby Shower!

After rescheduling three times, we finally had a shower at the church! I was super excited to see people and sit up-with Dr. T's permission of course! Just getting ready and putting on real clothes (not pj pants and a t-shirt) made me tired, but I was so excited to get out of the house! It was the first time I saw people other than my family in 5 weeks! It was great to catch up with everyone, however brief the conversation was!

After eating and visiting we began opening presents. My first gift was a gift set of bath stuff-shampoo, lotion, and all kinds of goodies which made it kind of heavy. After opening it and briefly holding it up my arms were dead. Throughout the evening I had a headache and a few really bad dizzy spells. This was the first time I had really sat up and exerted any energy (opening gifts) and it made me realize just how weak my body is. I am so glad my niece and nephew where there to help me open gifts!

We got some really cute stuff for Baby Red! I can't wait until his nursery is done and I can get it all organized and put away or set out!

While we were at the shower Matt and my brother stayed home to work on the basement. This past week Matt got up at 6 most mornings to paint for a few hours, then went to work, then tutored for about two hours, then came home, fixed dinner, and went back downstairs to paint until around 10 every night. Last night they got all of the trim hung so we are ready for carpet! Our carpet guy is coming today so we're hoping we can have carpet down by the end of the week!

I am taking life pretty easy today. My body is more sore today than it was after I ran a 13k. I have permission from Dr. T to attend the church picnic for a bit tomorrow afternoon. Part of me doesn't feel like going, its just too tiring, but the bigger part of me wants to see people! Plus, if I don't sit up and do, then my body will never gain strength.

Until Monday...

32 Weeks!!

And we're still going strong! Well, maybe not strong, but we're still holding on!

My cervix has remained stable with just a little bit of shortening. It has been soft for weeks, but is still closed which is the important thing!

My big news today is that I am now allowed a few hours of sitting time each day! I am really pumped about this! Matt is as well, as he hasn't mastered eating in bed, so he's excited to eat at the table again! I have been getting super dizzy and headaches when I am up to shower or go potty because my body isn't used to being upright. So sitting up for a few hours each day should help that and is the beginning of my bodies journey back to real life. I won't be released from bed rest completely until 36 weeks, but Dr. T is gradually going to allow me more freedom so my body can build up its strength again. I am terrified of having a newborn at home and no physical stamina to take care of him!

This was a very relaxed appointment, and it was nice to actually smile and laugh for a change. Dr. T got a good laugh out of my kiddie pool on the deck (again). Even though I assured him I was safe from curious eyes, he was going to search you tube for "pregnant lady laying in kiddie pool" just in case someone climbed a tree and got some footage. I would die! I wouldn't even brave it if I was not secluded from roaming eyes!

But my most favorite part of the appointment was this little conversation...

Dr. T: "I am getting more and more confident with each week you remain stable..."
Me: "And I am getting more and more excited!!"
Matt: "And I am getting more and more nervous..."

Gloomy

Today marks the fourth of July, my father-in-laws birthday, 32 weeks of pregnancy, and 10 weeks of bed rest. For the most part, it should be a day of celebrating and fun, but for me its quite the opposite. I feel more like the weather outside, gloomy and rainy.

We are definitely excited to have reached the 32 week mark. A few weeks ago we weren't sure we'd make it this far, but my body is still holding on. We're praying I can make it another two weeks although we'd love to reach 36 weeks! Each additional week makes survival outside of the womb even better for our sweet Baby Red.

We are also excited to be so close to having our basement finished. With it completed our house size will double! And of course then we can move the spare bedroom to the basement and get started on Red's nursery.

This is where my excitement ends and my gloominess begins.

10 weeks of bed rest. My voice is always hoarse now as it is not used much at all. My muscles have deteriorated. I am exhausted after walking only a few steps or after taking my brief shower. My hips are bruised from laying on them all day everyday. My body aches. But the hardest and worst part of it all-- I am alone most of the time.

I am normally a hard person to get down, but being alone seems to have done the trick. It has been frustrating to me when I have talked about my loneliness to others. They always respond with "yes, but it will all be worth it in the end." I of all people realize this, but I am still here, in the present, now, alone. No matter how much I know it will be worth in the end, that knowledge cannot take away the loneliness I have felt the last 10 weeks. I am still a person, created by God to have fellowship with others-- a fellowship that for me, has mostly been forsaken for the past 10 weeks.