A Few Things...

1. Friday I went shopping all day with my mom. It was the first time I have spent that much one on one time with my mom in forever!! It was great! Except for the part where we saw triplets.... probably toddlers, they were in a train of plasitc wagons, three of them all hooked together, two boys and one girl...and so cute. I managed to keep it all together until bedtime when I was telling Matt about it and I totally lost it. But all in all, a great day with mom!

2. Saturday I got even more girl time with one of my best friends, Becca. We met in the cutest little German town to go to their Kriskindlmarkt (Christmas Market). Even though we spent most of our time sitting in the coffee shop chatting, it was so good to really talk with her. By the time we left the coffee shop the market was closed down, so we browsed a purse shop. We both bought cute purses, hers plain jane and mine super colorful and bright, of course, which finished out our perfect day!

3. Saturday night was the living nativity at our church. It was advertised on the local Christian radio station and they even broadcasted live from the event. Matt and I turned down the star roles of Mary and Joseph, but I volunteered to bring a snack instead! I made fudge because every time I have been to one of these types of things there has always been fudge. Needless to say, all SIX pounds of my fudge was gone in 20 minutes. Amazing. We had an incredible turn out, with 300ish cars--and that was just the first night! I wanted to take pictures, but I forgot my camera--story of the weekend.

4. Today was obviously church...which is always good. The church is all decked out with its christmas decor, and I love it! Lunch with friends, a lazy afternoon, making more fudge, and then living nativity again tonight.

5. We did go to NYC Dec. 3-6. Dec. 6 was our due date, so we knew we'd need a huge distraction, and we thought a huge city might do the trick. It did an okay job, but needless to say, its been a really hard few weeks, and I imagine its going to continue to be hard through the holidays. But I don't want to depress you with my depressing thoughts, so back to the city! We went with no plan (I know--so not me) but we managed to happen upon many great things! Including the tree lighting ceremony at Rockefellar Center Wednesday night. Other than that, my most favorite part was all of the window displays, they were amazing! Plus we did the usual tourist things, Empire State Building, Times Square, Statue of Liberty/Ellis Island, Macy's, Tiffany's, Carriage Ride through Central Park (Third Favorite), Dylan's Candy Bar (Fourth Fav), shopping, great food and lots of walking!

T-Day

I cannot believe Thanksgiving has come and gone, and December is here! Time has flown! We had a great Thanksgiving with Matt's family. They came to our house, so it was nice not having to drive anywhere! I cooked the entire Thanksgiving dinner by myself, and had a blast doing it!

I fixed a sweet potato souffle, mashed potatoes and gravy, homemade stuffing, homemade rolls, corn and green beans. I found the recipe for the turkey, but Matt did all of the work with that. We soaked it in a cider based marinade all night and then grilled, yes grilled, our turkey using indirect heat to free up my oven. The turkey was amazing, very moist and delicious! All in all, we had a yummy Thanksgiving feast.

Friday we did some black Friday shopping. Thankfully Matt convinced them to leave around 7:30 instead of the crack of dawn! I didn't really buy much, although we got some great steals on dvds! Saturday, some went to a St. Louis Blues game, while Matt, his mom and I stayed home. I put up my Christmas tree and started decorating the rest of the house too!

Sunday after everyone left we got the house back in order, other than sweeping, mopping and finishing up some laundry. I am off work today (thankfully) so I am hoping to finish up the cleaning...in which I'd better get started...Happy December!

Random

As of today, it has been four months since meeting and saying good bye to our babies. Some days it feels like it was just yesterday, while other days it seems like it was a looong time ago.

I have been teaching the women's Sunday school class at church for the past few months now. Today a new gal came to class, and I was in awe when I asked her if she had any kids, and she said yes, "Eli, Micah and Isaac." I was like "those are the same names of my three!" Then I had to explain everything to her, but I still can't believe it! Her Micah was even a little girl too! Although her Eli was an Elijah, not Elisha. Wierd.

One of the first ladies I met at church lost a granddaughter around 5 months as well. Her daughter was later able to have two healthy boys and last week her two grandsons were at church with Grandma. She introduced me..."This is Stephanie, she has three babies in heaven with our precious girl too." The youngest boy said ya, our sister would be 13. It touched my heart in so many ways to hear these boys talking about their older sister. Eli, Isaac and Micah will always be a part of our family, they will always be our firstborns, and someday I hope to hear their brothers and sisters talk about them in the same ways.

What's Going On...

Since I am home from work--sick, I thought I'd update while I'm snuggled on the couch, covered in blankets. I think I just have a common cold along with exhaustion from not sleeping at night. So sleeping until 11 today was great, although I feel like I could go right back to bed and sleep all day!

I have really been enjoying the cooler weather while Matt has not. Saturday on the way to a family get-together we drove through all kinds of sleet and snow! I love it!

We are doing well, still gradually unpacking things and buying things that we need. A lot of things are needed in order to set up house! We're fighting time now to get it all done as Matt's family is coming for Thanksgiving. We were really hoping to have our basement finished, but thats far from happening. So we've been trying to creatively make room for 5 extra people! Yesterday we tackled the living room, rearranging it to add more seating. I don't love the end result, but its practical. Now we're trying to figure out where to put them all to sleep....lol. Regardless, we are really excited to get to spend time with Matt's family, and we know it will be tons of fun!

Matt is gearing up to make a bunch of changes, really an overhall, in the children's ministry in January. He has been recruiting volunteers through videos and whatnot, and now he needs to train them and get them into place before the new curriculum kicks off in January. So he's been busy and I help where I can. We are still meeting people, trying to get to know people, and make new friends. We have really enjoyed getting to know the people in our church better, they have some amazing stories. We are also throwing around the idea of starting up a young peoples group. There are a ton of young people in our church, so I think it would be a huge ministry. We'll see where God takes it.

Tonight if I am feeling up to it, we are shopping to fill three christmas boxes. Our church is active in Operation Christmas Child, the world's largest Christmas project. As it states on their website, "Operation Christmas Child brings joy and hope to children in desperate situations around the world through gift-filled shoe boxes and the Good News of God’s love. Since 1993, more than 61 million shoe boxes have been packed, shipped, and delivered across the globe. People of all ages can be involved in this simple, hands-on missions project while focusing on the true meaning of Christmas—Jesus Christ." We have decided to do three boxes every year, in honor of our babies. It is a great way for us to remember our babies and to do something for them. It will also be something fun we can do with our future children to help them remember their brothers and sister.

Revelation

You may have heard this song playing while visiting our blog. It has quickly become one of our favorites. As we are transitioning into a new phase of our lives, we are seeking out God's will for us here, and this song, revelation, has become a prayer for our hearts. Anyways, I wanted to share the lyrics with you because they are so powerful.

Revelation----by-Third Day

My life has led me down the road that’s so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Tryin’ to find my way, tryin’ to find the faith that’s gone

This time, I know that you are holding all the answers
I’m tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem,To be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation, Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way, I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here, Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You, I’ve got nothing without You

My life has led me down this path that’s ever winding
Through every twist and turn I’m always finding,
That I am lost again (I am lost again)
Tell me when this road will ever end

Give me a revelation, Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way, I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here, Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You, I’ve got nothing without You

I don’t know where I can turn
Tell me when will I learn
Won’t You show me where I need to go
Let me follow Your lead, I know that it’s the only way that I can get back home

Give me a revelation, Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way, I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here, Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You, I’ve got nothing without You
Oh, give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You, I’ve got nothing without You

When

We had no idea how hard the past few weeks ended up being for us. This morning when I got up and looked in the mirror, it was the first time my eyes weren't encircled with bruises and swollen from tears.

You see, last week would have been 35 weeks for us, the week we had prayed for, hoped for, and dreamed of meeting our babies within.

Thorughout the past few weeks I have once again fought the battle of "what ifs." Not just the what ifs of the pregnancy, but the what ifs of now and then. I do not fight it because I feel at fault, I fight it because I cannot comprehend why, I am not capable of understanding God's hand in this.

Life is full of reminders. I hate it--and I hate that I hate it. It hurts to see pregnant women. It hurts to see babies. It hurts to see baby things. It hurts to hear proud mothers talk about their babies. I love, have always loved, the beauty of pregnancy, the gift of life, and the precious gift of loving a baby. But now, I cannot look, I cannot hold, I cannot hear. The pain is too much.

A previous Sunday in church, a friend who has also lost, gently told me she was now expecting.

Sunday in church, a proud daddy showed a video clip of their newborn boy, Trey. As most of the crowd cooed and gently laughed at his antics, tears rolled down my face and I fought for control.

One day a young lady named Micah came into work.

One day a proud mom told me how her little boy was beginning to crawl.

The list goes on, as lifes joys are reminders of our pain.

I have no idea how we'll make it through the holiday season, normally my favorite time of the year. We should be brainstorming creative gifts to get our precious babies. But instead, we are brainstorming something we can do in honor of Eli, Isaac and Micah. Something to remember them and keep them close to our hearts, not just now, but always.

We are trying to keep our heads above the waters of grief, we are trying to survive. Were it not for God's mighty grip, we would be sinking, drowning in our grief. We know we cannot survive this alone, so we continue to cry out daily for God's help. When we ask, He is there, always, surrounding us with his love, filling us with his strength and peace. The key is when we ask, when we cry out for His help.

New York City

We knew we would need a major distraction on the babies due date, so we're heading to the biggest city in the U.S. hoping it will be a big enough distraction. Obviously this will still be a very difficult week for us, but we're hoping the distraction will help some.

So the question is, where should we stay? Any recommendations?!?

Another new favorite song...

I have finally gotten around to adding music on our blog! I have wanted to do it for quite some time now, but never have had the time, well, taken the time to do it! The following is another one of my new favorite songs. I added it to my playlist, but wanted to share the lyrics with you as well. The lyrics are so true of my life, which make them powerful words to/from my heart. Anyways, I hope this song will encourage you as it has encouraged me these last few months.

Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly) by Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on

It's time to fix what's been broken too long

Time make right what has been wrong

It's time to find my way to where I belong

There's a wave that's crashing over me

All I can do is surrender

[Chorus]

Whatever you're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos somehow there's peace

It's hard to surrender to what I can't see

but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone

Time to begin again

Revaluate who I really am

Am I doing everything to follow your will or just climbing aimlessly over these hills

So show me what it is you want from me

I give everything I surrender...To...

[Chorus]

Time to face up

Clean this old house

Time to breathe in and let everything out

That I've wanted to say for so many years

Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos but I believe

You're up to something bigger than me

Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos but now I can see

This something bigger than me

Larger than life something heavenly

Something heavenly

It's time to face up

Clean this old house

Time breathe in and let everything out

A Fun Filled Weekend

This past weekend we got to watch our niece and nephew, from Thursday until Sunday afternoon! We kept busy and had a lot of fun! They are such cuties, Grace is so much like me it makes me laugh, and Samuel, well, he's just trouble!

Their favorite thing to do at our house was play on the air mattress we blew up for them to sleep on. It provided good entertainment for them and some laughs for us! I am sad we didn't get any pictures of it!

Friday we went to the St. Louis Zoo....

Saturday we went to the pumpkin patch...

This picture is perfect, because its so true! Grace is too good at being the big sister!

Sunday we went to church and then had to take them home. I'd say we had a great weekend! Now the weekend is over and its back to work, which I am not looking foward to!

Not Much is New...

I don't really have much to write about, but its been a while, so I figured a post was in order. Friday night we drove to Columbia to hang out with Becca and friends. We went out to eat at a yummy restaurant and then hung out as the house and played Settlers of Catan. It seems the people who know how and want to play this game in Columbia are limited, so whenever we're in town, we get together to play. For those of you who don't know me well, I am very competitive and I am a horrible loser. Yet I continue to play this game and lose every time, and I don't get upset about it. Needless to say, Matt loves this game because he normally gets the brunt of my bad attitude after losing. Obviously I like it as well, because I keep coming back for more!

After our 3 hour game of Settler's we drove on to my brother and sister's house to spend the night. Saturday morning/early afternoon we celebrated my niece's 4th birthday. Her birthday list make me laugh, as she wanted things to go hunting with her daddy (camo hat, gun, gun bag, camo clothes...) yet she is such a priss! She also requested to get lots of presents, so I ended up buying her 5 smaller things and wrapping them all individually in cute princess paper.

The birthday party was fun of course, and it was great to see family and friends, but it was also really hard on Matt and I. Its just one more thing we won't get to do with our babies, so it was a bittersweet day for us.

After the birthday party we met Becca (friend-sis was already with us) at a pumpkin festival. It was beautiful weather and turned out to be a great afternoon activity! Becca joined us for dinner and hung out with us for the rest of the evening. It was great to spend two days in a row with Becca!

Sunday was church, and turned out to be a not so good day for both Matt and I. After losing the babies we received a ton of support and encouragement. But now, two months later, the month we should be welcoming our babies, we are grieving alone. It bothers me that immediately after a tragedy people are so supportive, but the support gradually ceases, and when you need it most, you're alone. In our experience of losing our babies, the first few weeks were "easy" because we were overwhelmed with love and support. As the love and support gradually faded, our grief has become harder, because we are baring it alone. So Sunday was the beginning of a valley, and today I am trying to find the strength to climb out of it.