God's Heart

It has been a very long and emotional two days. Warning: this is going to be a very long post.

Just to let you know, what I write next, is totally my (Stephanie) journey, Matt's is slightly different. 

Preface: The boy we had been referred to was perfectly healthy, except he had been born cross eyed. He has had two operations, and is no longer cross eyed, but his weaker eye is still lazy. To be completely honest, I wasn't sure how I felt about this.

We picked up our official referral letter on Thursday afternoon, around 4:15. We met our translator, Yulia, and then we headed out. It took us right about 4 hours to arrive in our town, literally in the middle of no where. We were tired and quickly got to sleep, feeling a mixture of emotions about the upcoming day.

We left the hotel at 9, I was feeling very tired with a heavy heart. We traveled into the town so Olig could speak with the social worker. We waited in the car for what felt like forever, but was probably just over an hour. Then the social worker came with us and we drove about 20 minutes to the orphanage.

Normally the orphanage director speaks with us (interviews) first, however she was not there when we arrived. So we sat down with a few of the ladies from the orphanage. It was weird that  no questions were asked. Not long after we sat down one of the ladies said "We like you, although you look really young." After finding out how old we were, she said "you look much younger than that!" Then another lady brought the little boy we came to see in (we will call him R for short). He was very shy and timid, and kept his eyes down. I did notice though that his eye was either not fixed, or was still very lazy.

I immediately closed my heart, and said no, this isn't the one for us. We played  for a bit in the office, then went to a room to play some more. Matt played with the boys while I asked a bunch of questions.

There really is no way for me to express the gamut of emotions I was feeling. The entire time we were there I was on the verge of a breakdown, constantly holding back tears. I couldn't think or feel anything. I just wanted to say no and leave. We were only at the orphanage about an hour when it was time for R to go eat lunch, and we decided to leave. We talked with Olig, our facilitator here, and we called and talked with Yuri who is still in Kiev, trying to explain our hesitations,  my main one being his eye problems.

We came back to our hotel and I had  my mom call me, and I was able to attempt to express what I was feeling and what was going on in my head and heart. Matt was starving, so we went downstairs to the cafe and he ate some lunch and I drank some coffee. While we were eating, I asked Matt if he would be willing to take 3 kids. He said sure, why not. So I had a conversation with Olig about what it would look like to adopt Slava (the little boy we met on our first referral) and his two older siblings. He said it might be possible, although he would be worried the judge would question our financial ability to care for a family of 6.

So we went back up to our hotel room and got Cavin down for a nap. We were exhausted, but couldn't sleep. We began to pray and talk about our options. If we said no to this referral, we would have to go back to the States and come back in the middle of January when the SDA opens again for referral appointments. When we came back, we would only have our third and final referral appointment left, which could be risky. We talked again about trying to adopt Slava and his siblings, and realized we were not in a place where we could take on three kids, especially older ones.

Matt, knowing me the way he does, had been quiet and allowed me to talk through my emotions, basically agreeing with everything I said. However, with that decision, Matt made a much needed and very valid point. In my heart, I had not let go of Slava. Because of that, I was not able to even consider, or really look at R, this child we had just visited. In a lot of ways, I felt the same as I did after losing the triplets. I could not think of getting pregnant again, of having another child because in my heart, I couldn't let go of them.

After realizing this, I asked Matt what he really thought and was feeling in regards to R. He said he wanted to say yes to him, but knew he couldn't if I also didn't feel it in my heart to say yes. So we prayed, begging God to heal our hearts from the loss of Slava in a way that would free us to really consider another child, and to guide us in the making the right decision for our family and for R.

After praying, I felt a lightness in my heart that had not previously been there. Honestly, for the first time, I could think about meeting (for the second time) R and was actually excited about it.

Olig had said we could go back to the orphanage and see R again at 4pm, and we said definitely. The whole way there I prayed. I begged God to work in my heart, as I knew only He could open my heart to another child so quickly after losing one.

We got to the orphanage, and I saw R, I mean really saw R, for the first time. He is beautiful. He is shy. He is sweet. He is loving. He is precious. Yes, his weak eye is still lazy, but after really looking at him, after opening my heart to him, I no longer even noticed it. Within 20 minutes of being there, I looked at Matt, and with tears in my eyes, I shook my head yes, knowing in my heart this was the child God has for us.

My fears, and my perceptions were preventing me from seeing the heart of God.

I think the reason I was on the verge of an emotional breakdown the entire first meeting is because God and Satan were battling for my heart. It wasn't until I fully surrendered my heart, my fears, and my perceptions, that I saw God's heart, and what He clearly had given us in R.

Now I think about saying no to this boy and my heart breaks. And to think I could have missed out on this, on R, because of silly fears and misguided perceptions...